Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.