Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”