Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn