Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.