WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
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Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Every work call, he judges.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.