Woke up against my better judgment again
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*