That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.