-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes