I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
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Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
seems like a niche market
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.