Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
That lamp looks PISSED.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice