If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
You learn something every day
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk