Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault