“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
You Might Also Like
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Who called it baking and not making love
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.