A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
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Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
3% human
97% stress
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.