I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
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Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
BaD BoY!!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Guantanamo Bae
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.