Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
A roof is a house hat.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”