They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.