Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
any last words?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.