“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Natural selection at its finest
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
“No way.” -Jose
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!