While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.