Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
This is what makes twitter great
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Here’s a meme
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.