Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.