-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case