I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
You Might Also Like
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
s
oc
i
a
l
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something