I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.