A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I鈥檝e thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they鈥檙e just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Babies won鈥檛 eat food unless they think it鈥檚 an airplane because all humans are born believing they鈥檙e godzilla.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I鈥檓 barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won鈥檛 put him in the trash can
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
HIM: promise you won鈥檛 tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret鈥檚 safe with me 馃檪
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My background check bounced.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Here鈥檚 the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they鈥檙e on their own for dinner.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.