Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
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dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
channeling her this year
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph