if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[montage of me giving-up]
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual