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I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.