[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?