i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.