*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday