What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted