me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
You Might Also Like
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Breaking news:
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
for all #parents out there
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh