When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
same energy
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
dutch so unserious
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*