Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My blood type is b hungry.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Hotels are back
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Just me and my debit card against the world
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.