A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
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{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!