Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.