[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again