WHY would you be happy about this?
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk