By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.