*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
multitasking lunch
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies