[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
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“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.