I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
You Might Also Like
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now