If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.