Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right