I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Choose your fighter
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.