You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Cake safety first. Always.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
this article brought to you by lions
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
👾👾👾