Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.