This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
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I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.